The Anthropomorphic Feline in the Crooked Cap
by Fire Griffin
Summary: A strange satirical version of Dr. Seuss's "The Cat in the Hat" written in pseudo-Dickens style. Yippee.


Hello, peoples. My first story to be uploaded onto here and posted for the world to see! Oooh! Ahh! This story here was done for an AP English project over writing styles where we had to write a part of 'A Tale of Two Cities' in Dr. Seuss's style and vice-versa. I decided this was an easy project and did 'The Cat in the Hat' to, errrm 'Dickens-ize.' Being the stupid person I am, I went ahead and did the entire book instead of making the job easier and doing a select few pages. Two days later, this came out. Okay, it's not perfect but I nevertheless tried, did a decent job, and got an A+ on it. I think it's perhaps even decent enough to share with the world and well, here it is. Someday, I'll perhaps polish it some. Sorry if any spelling, grammatical, and such errors slip by. If you find any, please tell me about them!

Enjoy.

**BIG FAT DISCLAIMER: **The Cat in the Hat and such are property of their rightful owners. No way I'm making any profit from this so please save yourself some time and don't sue.

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**The Anthropomorphic Feline in the Crooked Cap  
****_(A.K.A.: The Cat in the Hat)_**__********  
_As written by Mr. Charles Dickens_

Written by FG de el Extraño

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The droplets of water gently pitter-pattered on the window, it being the only thing that had separated us from the cold and wet, as we sat there, staring out at the dark clouds that hung from their perches in the heavens. My sister Sally and I were like gargoyles, petrified and lifeless, sitting upon our plastic pedestals with our stale glances facing outside. The pet goldfish, sitting in its bowl nestled on the shelf next to dear Sally, was fortunate to be able to sleep and past the time unlike we, being the restless youth we were and unable to nap.

The day had been burdened with dismal precipitation and we were left with nothing to do as we favored playing outside. As a matter of fact, it was mostly what we did with our free time when all the homework and chores were done. Unfortunately, with our mother out shopping, we currently had a lot of unwanted free time and unable to spend it quickly like we would if the rain wasn't there, drenching and freezing the earth.

The bike and sports balls sat there in their little corner at the side of the room, seeming to tease me, as I was unable to do anything. I could only sit in my red chair, which was sitting in front of the window in our house, sitting in the rain with the clouds sitting there and not passing over! How unfair and cruel life was, mocking us two youth with our desire to burn our endless energy! Oh! If there was some way to make that rain, its presence known by its drone against the glass, cease!

Just then, we nearly jumped out of our very skins as we heard a very loud bump. Whipping our heads over to the origin of the sudden noise, we saw that the door was flung wide open. Didn't our mother, being the responsible woman I've known her to be (or so I think) remember to lock the door before she went out? Or maybe mother had returned early as the rain might have rendered the roads slick and too dangerous to drive upon.

Ashen, we watched a large hairy foot step on to the worn mat, the once bright and vibrant red color faded and now a dull burgundy. Following that foot came a fellow with coat of white and black fur. Atop his head was a very tall bright red and white hat that was well worn from the slight sag in it at the top and loose fibers here and there. Around his neck was a large red bow, making him, admitingly, sickenly cute. His blue umbrella was clasped in his white-gloved hand and at his side. The umbrella was slightly damp, as the stranger had cared to shake the unnecessary fluid off.

Questions ran through my naïve mind. Was he a cat or a man? Or perhaps he was a little bit of each? Cats definitely were not that large as I recalled and the last time I checked, they were quadrupeds. Despite our weird glances at this stranger, he spoke to us in a voice indicating to us that he wasn't malevolent and was free of evil intentions:

I know it is wet and the sun is not sunny. But we can have lots of good fun that's funny!

We, being quite desperate and sure this catman wasn't going to harm us, stood up from our chairs and took slow steps toward him. The anthropomorphic feline tipped his floppy hat to us in a gentlemanly manner and continued in a warm, welcoming voice.

I know some good games we could play, he smiled. I know some new tricks, a lot of good tricks. I will show them to you. Your mother will not mind at all if I do.

My sister and I were silent, wondering about this guy. Despite the welcoming tone and warm grin, I still wasn't very sure about him. Perhaps he was a babysitter of some sort my mother had hired? I was still quite young but I knew very well that this terrestrial sphere that we dwell upon is saturated with some of the strangest characters I could meet. And already, I felt I've encountered one of them.

No! No! an angry little voice suddenly cried out.

Our little goldfish, which had awaken from his small slumber in the comfort of his watery bed, suddenly poked his small head out of his bowl and was yelling at the strange cat in our house. I never knew my fish was capable of speech until now.

Make that cat go away! Tell that Cat in the Hat you do NOT want to play, our fish scolded. He should not be here. He should not be about. He should not be here when your mother is out!

The Cat in the Hat (which is what I shall call him from now on) was not daunted by the small aquatic animal in the bowl and instead, had a small glint of mischieviousness in his eye. Before we could do anything, the Cat quickly picked up the fishbowl and balanced it on the handle of his umbrella with great skill. Our fish was obviously not pleased by this unforeseen act. The Cat, however, smiled as we watched in awe.

Now! Now! Have no fear. Have no fear! My tricks are not bad, he grinned, still balancing our fish's dwelling on the handle. Why, we can have good fun, if you wish, with a game I call Up-Up-Up with a Fish!'

The poor fish, surprised and miffed by such an irksome game, tried to keep himself (assuming he was a he) situated in the same spot in that bowl.

Put me down! cried our pet in protest. This is no fun at all! Put me down! I do not wish to fall!

The Cat only smiled and added more objects to his balancing act as Sally and I watched with our breaths held.

Have no fear! I will not let you fall. I will hold you up high as I stand on a ball. With a book in one hand! And a cup on my hat! But that's not ALL I can do, said the Cat, who was soon enough balancing on my sister's favorite ball with my math book in hand, and a small teacup and dish was strangely able to stay on the feline's crooked old hat.

The Cat in the Hat snatched more items that were close to him in the general area and even seemingly out of nowhere, adding more to his balancing act and yet still keeping his current load carefully balanced. We eyed the daring fellow, wondering if he'll fall and imagining the mess we'll have to clean should he do just that.

Look at me! he shouted in triumph. Look at me now! With a cup and a cake on top of my hat! I can hold up two books! he said, cleverly balancing two of my schoolbooks in his hand, the other addition this time being my English book. I can hold up the fish! And a little toy ship! And some milk on a dish! And look! he then added to his little game. I can hop up and down on the ball! But that is not all! Oh, no! That is not all

We cautiously backed away from the cat, sensing that the dashing cat would soon fall with plenty of disaster and mess to go around for the duration of the day. (Or at least until mother came home.) The Cat in the Hat added yet even more items to his act; his bright smile was probably lighting up the room like the occasional lightning was outside.

Look at me! Look at me! Look at me NOW! It is fun to have fun but you have to know how. I can hold up the cup and the milk and the cake! I can hold up these books and the fish on a rake! I can hold the toy ship and a little toy man! And look! With my tail I can hold a red fan! I can fan with the fan as I hop on the ball! But that is not all. Oh, no. That is not all

The jolly cat, alive with the items he was balancing oh so carefully on his body, was getting a little cocky with himself and attempted to add even more additions to his balancing act. He hopped on his ball; it starting to give in to the immense load put upon it, the ever-persistent cat trying in effort to grab more objects. The large rubber ball was slightly flattened however, and made rolling on it while hopping difficult. We saw what was coming next:

He fell.

Down came everything. Down came the silly cat, looking a little dumbfounded from the failure of his act. Down came our goldfish, sans his little bowl. Down came our fish's home. Down came everything else. Down came everything with loud thumps, crashes, and shatters. The mess we envisioned was swiftly coming into existence as various items and a large cat fell with clatters and clomps.

The fish landed with a small splash into a teapot, slightly stunned from the whole ordeal. He came to his senses faster than the cat did and sighed:

Do I like this? Oh no! I do not. This is not a good game. No, I do not like it, not one little bit!

The cat slowly got up with the rake, twisted and bent from impact, in his hand. He looked at the fish; a little sad from letting his desire to outdo himself get the better of him. The fish surveyed the mess and continued with his little tongue lashing.'

Now look what you did! Now looks at this house! Look at this! Look at that! You sank our toy ship, sank it deep in the cake. You shook up our house and you bent our new rake. You SHOULD NOT be here when our mother is not. You get out of this house! scolded the fish in his pot.

The cat's countenance of sadness was soon replaced with his happy permagrin as he got up, ignoring the mess, and announced his next game.

But I like to be here. Oh, I like it a lot! I WILL NOT go away. I do NOT wish to go! And so. So so so I will show you another good game I know!

We continued to gawk at the cat and keep our mouths shut, our curiosity holding out and keeping us interested. What did he have in store for us now?

The Cat in the Hat flung open our front door and dashed out with alarmingly fast speed, out to retrieve something. What was it?

Our visitor was fleet of foot and apparently of great strength as it wasn't long until he rushed back in, carrying a gigantic crate of a vibrant red over his head. The box's contents were sealed with a simple latch, leaving us to wonder what could be inside.

Look at this trick, he smiled. Take a look!

We couldn't help but follow him.

Setting the box down in a corner of the room, he leapt on top of it as if it were a makeshift podium. The Cat then tipped his bicolor hat again with a small bow to us as he announced to us about what was inside.

I call this game Fun-in-a-Box.' In this box are two things I will show to you now. You will like these two things. I will pick up the hook. You will see something new. Two things. And I call them Thing One and Thing Two. These Things will not bite you. They want to have fun.

With that, he tipped the box over onto its side with the opening parallel with the floor and lifted the latch. The box's door then exploded open as two small things scuttled out with blinding speed. Their hairs were frizzy blue messes on their heads, as if they had been struck by a huge amount of electrical power. They wore red jumpsuits with a large embroidering of Thing 1' and Thing 2' on each of their chests and already, as the two came to us with amazing speed, I could tell they were little energyballs.

How do you do? they chirped. Would you like to shake hands with Thing One and Thing Two?

We were befuddled and speechless already enough as it is. Not having much else of choice to do, I took Thing One's small, little hand and Sally took the minute appendage of Thing Two and we shook. It was almost not quite a shake, as the little Things, they being so full of life and energy, seemed to make our hands vibrate instead.

The fish, still stuck sitting in that old pot and watching intently, cried in disapproval of the Cat in the Hat's new guests, waving his small fins in the air.

No! No! Those Things should not be in this house! Make them go! They should not be here when your mother is out! Put them out! Put them out!

The Cat smiled softly and tenderly picked up the pot containing our concerned pet.

Have no fear, little fish. These Things are good Things, he assured with a tender pat to the fish's head. They are tame. Oh, so tame! They have come here to play. They will give you some fun on this wet, wet, wet day.

The fish wasn't convinced and continued to cry out in more protest but the cat, in all efforts to have more fun and amusement, ignored him, as his attention soon turned to us and his Things, which have discovered our old discarded kites and took this opportunity to fly them in the house. The fish only became louder in his disapproval of the cat and all he brought with him.

Now, here's a game they like. They like to fly kites, the Cat told us as we watched the little men dash through hallways like mice in their burrows, the kites chasing after them and gaining height from the incredible speed of the Things.

the fish shouted. Not in the house! They should not fly kites in a house! They should not. Oh, the things they will bump! Oh, the things they will hit! Oh, I do not like it! Not one little bit!

We chased after those speedy men and speculated them dashing down our long hallway, pictures hung up against the blue wall and a several knick-knacks here and there. Sounds of crashing and banging then drilled into our heads when the kites from the Things have obliterated the décor of the hallway as they made their speedy way through. A vase shattered as it hit the floor as the table it was situated on was knocked over. Frames lay strewn along the walls and the shades covering the fancy two-pronged lamp was fallen.

The Things' deconstruction of our home continued as they dashed into our mother's room, one kite carrying away my mother's new polka-dotted dress as the coat hanger had snatched onto the string. The other kite flew close to my mother's make-up station.' Like a raptor ranking down a group of prey, the incoming kite mowed over the collection of perfumes, makeup, and other feminine beauty products, some crashing over onto the floor and filling the room with a sweet aroma that burned my nostrils and made me gag. The kite then finished off the room by denting the headboard on my mother's bed.

We continued to follow these so-called Good Things' as the continued their wanton dash through the house, knocking whatever they can over. Objects, including the pot with our pet in it, were snagged on to the string and taken along for the ride. We were running all over the place, going this way and that, trying to keep up with the destructive little people that belonged to the cat. Bruised all over and tired, desperate for this madness and the transformation of my house into a warzone to end, I finally cried out:

I do NOT like the way that they play! If Mother could see this, oh, what would she say?

The fish then became hysterical as he drifted on his kite's taut string, seeing something he didn't want to see at a hectic time like this.

Look! Look! Your mother is on her way home! Do you hear? Oh, what will she do to us? What will she say? Oh, she will not like it to find us this way!

The fish then deliberately flopped out of his flying teapot and, with a bit of luck, landed onto a drawer that had been spared from the onslaught of the Things' mass house deconstruction project. Me and Sally bent over to listen to him, as we could tell the poor fellow obviously was fearing for us and wished for us to not get into any sort of trouble.

So, DO something! Fast! Do you hear? I saw her. Your mother! Your mother is near! So, as fast as you can, think of something to do! You will have to get rid of Thing One and Thing Two!"

So then, I was left to ponder my capture of the rampant Things that have nearly obliterated my house. My mother was nearing with no delay and everything inside our dwelling was leveled. Suddenly, it occurred to me: I had a net! It was a long, large thing, a bit old and perhaps a little bent from all that use in my attempts to pursue butterflies and such that occasionally danced in our yard. Quickly, I dashed to my room and searched about frantically for it. Under my bed, beside the fallen dresser, in the closet I looked. Searching was made complicated due to the fact everything was in disarray but by some sort of small ounce of luck, I came upon the object I was seeking, lodged behind my headboard. With no delay, I snatched the net and put it to action.

Just down the hallway, I heard the little shuffle of their footsteps as they sped down the hall. Net in hand, I dashed to the corner and waited for them, timing when to strike and end the Things' rampage. You see, I had excellent timing as I was fairly good at capturing things with the net regardless of size and these Things were fairly easy to catch. It wasn't long until they were ensnared in my net and stopped. The Cat in the Hat stood nearby, next to his pets, looking upset.

Now you do as I say. You pack up those things and you take them away! yelled I.

Oh dear! sighed the Cat. You did not like our game Oh dear. What a shame! What a shame! What a shame!

With that, the Things in my net were then shortly back into the burgundy crate they had originated from. The Cat, with that crate containing those destructive creatures, trudged out the door and left us without so much as a sigh. We were sure in trouble, as the mess that remained was too large to organize in time. Sally and I could only stare dubiously at the destruction and wonder how deep of an abyss of trouble and punishment from our parent we had sunk into.

That is good, the fish commented. He has gone away. Yes. But your mother will come. She will find this big mess! And this mess so big and so deep and so tall, we cannot pick it up. There is no way at all!

Just then, the Cat in the Hat then came back with another item of his belonging. This time, it was a red vehicle of some sort of bizarre shape with many mechanical limbs protruding from it. These limbs, with their dexterous gloved hands, picked up fallen objects and placed them back into their appropriate spot.

Have no fear of this mess, the Cat smiled. I always pick up all my playthings and so I will show you another good trick I know!

It was a whirlwind of reconstruction as the Cat drove his vehicle toured our house, mending all that was fallen and cleaning the messes that had been made. We watched in awe as the Cat's wonderful machine repaired and cleaned and did all, repairing the mess that had its genesis from him and his pet Things he set loose upon us earlier.

Within a span of a few minutes, the house had been restored back into the state we remembered it as. Everything was in place and the evidence of the Cat's existence in the house was hardly even noticeable. With everything cleaned and the mess gone, the Cat then wheeled toward the door.

That is that, were the last words he to said to us.

With a bright smile and a tip of the hat, out the door he went and soon was gone. We were left to wonder, glancing around the house for a moment, wondering what DID happen in the last hour or so.

Just as we were settling down again to stare outside, which the rain that had drummed on the window had stopped, the door opened again. This time, it wasn't flung open with the bang the cat had but instead, a gentle push that could only come from a loving mother.

Did you have any fun? she inquired us as she was entering through the door. Tell me. What did you do?

We both had grins on our countenances. We didn't know what to say and wondered what she would think of the large cat that had bounded into here and made a gigantic mess. It looked as if nothing had ever occurred here and even we were dubious that that giant cat had ever existed and only was a simple figment of our imagination!

What would you reply to your inquisitive mother, her curious and questioning eyes staring upon you like that?

**Fin**


End file.
